Yet again, the fabulous, much revered Priceless Observations Department:

Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say to myself, 'Lillian, you should have remained a virgin.'
- Lillian Carter (mother of Jimmy Carter)
<><>
I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalog: - 'No good in a bed, but fine against a wall.'
- Eleanor Roosevelt <><>

Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister, and now wish to withdraw that statement.
- Mark Twain
<><>

The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and to have the two as close together as possible.
- George Burns
<><>

Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year.
- Victor Borge
<><>

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.
- Mark Twain
<><>

By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
- Socrates
<><>

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
- Groucho Marx
<><>

My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe.
- Jimmy Durante
<><>

I have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back.
- Zsa Zsa Gabor
<><>

Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat.
- Alex Levine
<><>

My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying.
- Rodney Dangerfield
<><>

Money can't buy you happiness .. But it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery.
- Spike Milligan
<><>

Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was SHUT UP.
- Joe Namath
<><>

I don't feel old. I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap.
- Bob Hope
<><>

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.
- W. C. Fields
<><>

We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress.
- Will Rogers
<><>

Don't worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older, it will avoid you.
- Winston Churchill
<><>

Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty .. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.
- Phyllis Diller
<><>

By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere.
- Billy Crystal
<><>

And the cardiologist's diet: - If it tastes good spit it out